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9 times out of 10 when I lose something... It's because I put it in a safe place.

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I can't believe we don't have world peace yet, after they changed the names on boxes of rice and syrup bottles.

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I gotta see the candy first. Then I get in the van. I'm not stupid...

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Man who smokes weed on toilet is high on pot...

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I don't think housework will kill you, but l have decided not to take the risk.

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Don't let anyone ruin your day..... you're an adult, do it yourself

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I just posted a selfie and people are telling me to get well soon

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A good friend will come bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying...Damn... we fucked up.

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Or "Damn, that was so fun!"

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My patience is basically like a gift card...not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.

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