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I hate it when the voices in my head go silent. I never know what they're planning?

On the other hand, you may have just bored them to sleep.

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I followed my heart and it led me to the bar

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My wife is amazing..she just surprised me with a $250k life insurance policy and a trip to china.

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Sex without love is merely healthy exercise

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If you don't do anything stupid when you're young, you won't remember something funny when you're old

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Falling in Love makes you do stupid things, one time I even got married.

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Husband: l want you to have this bracelet, it belonged to my Grandmother. Wife: why does it say Do Not Resuscitate.

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love it lmnao

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Wife: l have blisters on my hands from the broom. Husband: next time take the car!

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HR said l'm not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is happy now.

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