Please help, lost boy :(
Hello,
Im 25 years old, Asian American homosexual living in Sacramento, California. I identify as a man, I like being a man, and I also enjoy being with another man. Sadly, I dont have any men in my life. My dad and my brothers dont have a relationship with me. My brothers gave up actually, not even bothering to acknowledge my very existence , when we are in the same room.
Not sure but parts of me believe most of my struggles stem in my brain, where I have more feminine thinking styles and the company I want to keep, platonic or otherwise, has more masculine thinking styles.
Why does this post belong in this group forum? I see people my age or within 10 years in either direction, and no part of me had a desire to go out of my way to say hello. I do and will converse with any one! But older gentlemen fulfill more of my needs and check off more boxes than I could list.
How do I find and distinguish between companionship and camaraderie and mentorship and sexual needs with mature men, nudist or not, without fumbling? Im 25 years, I have not much success.
PS please dont say anything along the lines of its simple, just do this..: or something you find the be obvious and come off as belittling because I didnt see it so obviously.
I hope for the best
Jai
Thank you
Great comments for this young man and other young men. Yes learning about what life holds for you and what helps is not easy. Thats why older men may appeal to you. They have many years of knowledge.
I have met many young men that want to be with older men. Love the idea, but its got its upside and down sides. Never easy finding that person that makes you weak in the knees. But its possible, just believe in yourself. Funny thing is when youre not looking is when you will meet him.
Approach each new relationship as friendship first, no other expectations. If there turns out to be more to it, open up and see what happens.
I initially started this response off by saying how do know its just a friendship, when they say things such as.... but rereading the most recent emails and notes, I guess they only said really really nice things. But truly, it was never said they wanted me, just compliments on enjoying what they see. So, yeah. I guess I just need constant remainders of so because I default to being nice as into me. (my parents had egregious child rearing systems)
Thank you for your response.
Always in All Ways
JAI
How quickly I forget this. But its weird, people ask for more nude picture , compliment me on my erection and ask for more pictures again, with none in return Yet I'm suppose to understand this is totally platonic? I don't know... men are weird. Thanks for the good advice I just don't understand how to follow it? And my brain processes things differently than most other people so that's why I'm struggling so much.
Well I think you are into older men because your dad didn't give you much attention that you crave. I am 74 and have a 19 yr old male partner. We have a great "Son/Dad" relationship. He too didn't get affection from his dad and has an abusive mom. He has a younger brother and they get along great. They experimented when younger but no longer do. Brother went straight! LOL
You will find what you looking for eventually when you meet the right one, you will know. Just be friendly, find a friend first and take it from there.
Your favorite people, your profile says, are people who listen. The guys pressing you for pictures, having seen your profile, aren't listening, and probably not worth your time. (Personally, it drives me nuts when I post a pic doing something I find interesting, and the comments are all "nice [body part]." It's not just you, and it's not just age.) Yup, men are weird. Even if there's a sexual spark you appreciate, the body/pic focus is fair warning about the guy. You want to talk; spend your time with guys who talk.
You say you want to hang with older, more-masculine-than-you guys. Talking is not part of the "masculine" pose, and listening even less so, so there's a bit of tension there. But masculinity and femininity are cultural poses; sure, men and women differ, but very few really, deep down, hit all the right notes to fit neatly into one or the other box. Your own "feminine" side just shows you you're fully human; it's not a problem or a defect. You might experiment with re-describing yourself, and your concept of who you want to interact with, in non-gendered - and more meaningful - terms.
On a practical level... This is a very age-segregated society; it takes a bit of effort to cut through that. Social ties with teachers, bosses, clergy, etc. are deeply fraught; how do you find older peers? You say you like hiking? I belong to a gay hiking group here with an average age in the '40s and '50s; is there something like that within reach of you? Are there places you can share your skills in cooking - community kitchen or whatever? Those are mostly female spaces, which means the men you'll encounter - gay or straight - will likely be a bit more comfortable for you than a random sample. Are you part of a Buddhist community? Can you seek one out? I know in my sangha here, deep friendships are formed around study, and volunteer work, and shared practice. A community entirely within one ethnic group will tend to express the more conservative social mores of that group; as a gay man, you might find it easier to navigate an ethnically mixed group, which will be fairly easy to find in California.
RE#8 You may or may not be right about, for lack of a better phrase "daddy issues".
However, we all have our preferences and we all have a "type". for example, I was always attracted to and preferred to be in the company of mature men. I have always preferred brunette hairy otters. Thats my "type". I also prefer Italian food over Mexican and the color teal over all other colors. Each and every one of us has those preferences that gets our motor running without it being due to an "issue".
"How do I find and distinguish between companionship and camaraderie and mentorship and sexual needs with mature men, nudist or not, without fumbling? Im 25 years, I have not much success."
There is no silver bullet answer to that question. I believe that it comes down to basically being able to judge character. Some of us are better than others at this and I don't think that this is something that can be taught. Being able to judge character seems to be more an art than science. You will or should get better at judging people and their motives over time and with experience. I would offer this. Spend less time worrying about any short comings that you think you may have and be more aware of the behavior and motives of others.
I don't know you, but my gut instinct tells me that you are a trusting person. While that's an endearing quality, it can be a weakness to be exploited. If I've learned anything in my 60+ years, it's that the planet is full of dirtbags that will take advantage of kind hearted people. Your trust should be EARNED before its given.
Hang on to the good people in your life and run from the bad ones. Don't waste one second of your life with any person that's going to drag you down. That is time in your life that you will never get back.
Hi Jai! I just want to add my voice to all the good advice you are being given here. You should embrace your sexuality and avoid labelling yourself. I recommend yoga and meditation to improve your mind and well-being. I trust you are having treatment for your psoriasis? Naked sunbathing should help with that, as UV light is often part of the treatment. Living in California I expect you will have access to enlightened and alternative lifestyles. You have the advantage of youth, and are just setting out on the long and winding road of life. I wish you success.
Regards, Dave
Actions
Back to TopicsReply to TopicShare this topic
Get paid just by sending us users/traffic.
Signup takes seconds, start now!
Signup as an affiliate!