What is Male Bonding?
I recently had a nudist buddy from another country/culture ask me what male bonding was. I had to think a minute about how to express that. My response to him was:
Well bonding is a 'coming together'. Most men think of male bonding as breaking through the defenses and barriers that we build around ourselves and really becoming close friends with other males. I'm sure thatmale culture in Europe and other areas of the world is different than American. My perception is that Europeans are much more open, less homophobic. American men are socialized to not show vulnerability or weakness, to not be close friends with other males (though gay men are obviously different in that). But here, straight men often yearn to have close male friendships but have a lot of issues to overcome to build those close friendships.
So I thought that was interesting and would make for a good discussion topic here. What do you think MALE BONDING is? And how does it differ in various cultures around the globe?
C"mon everyone....share your thoughts!
thank you for starting this group... struggled for years over male ness.. male friendships.. male spirituality.. being male. I have done groups, read many books and articles... and continue the struggle of connecting with other men.. bare ing our selves our spirits.. Thanks! This is great.
wow Perry thank you for sharing all this.. i can relate to so much of what you share.. my folks divorced early in my life.. raised by Mom and found it easier for a long time to relate to women. Being with men was always awkward for me, and I struggled for years about being man. I went to a body centered therapist for a while - to be with my body... never been comfortable in and with my skin my body. Then I went to a Male Spirituality Gathering in New Mexico ten years ago.. it was male bonding.. it was body mind spirit centered. I still struggle, but the journey continues. I long for male connection .. body mind spirit. You guys are great and most helpful! But I wish you were in Boston!
Ted
I see male bonding as a way for men to socialize as men
only. You cant do male bonding with
women around. Prior to feminism this was
natural in the US: men went to all male
bars after work, swam naked at the Y, played poker or went to a fraternal
organization and no one thought much of it.
Its not that women were inferior, it was more that women had their
places to be women together, and men had theirs. Feminism changed that to make the YMCA coed
and dinner parties more couples-oriented and even strip clubs became
mixed. The men who wanted male only camaraderie
had fewer alternatives unless they were gay, which became its own culture.
Now men of all stripes are recognizing the value of being a
man among men, and a convenient name for it is male bonding. I like the emotional intimacy implied in
bonding, though I recognize that for some men this entails anxiety-producing
thoughts of vulnerability. To them I say
bunk! Male bonding can just be hanging
together, not needing to perform or compete or even talk, and as men we are
inherently better understood for all to be well.
I think male bonding is almost like having a relationship without sex. There is level of sharing between each other which is supportive and non judgemental. It is unconditional and can be at a level of love which men are afraid to admit, thinking that to love another man will label them in another category.
If you set up a bar/lunch counter, and nearby a bunch of small two-tops where people sit facing each other, it will be the women and couples who use the two-tops, and the men who use the counter. A direct, face-to-face gaze is difficult between men, because it can be seen as aggressive. This is not a plea for guys to learn to sit knee-to-knee. Just a note that men's and women's socializing is truly different, and it's important to have a space where that difference can be given play - acknowledging the weaknesses, using the strengths.
Lots of really good comments here.Male bonding to me, is first a thing of trust. The bonding comes from being able to open up and share some pretty personal stuff with another guy. But the trust has got to be there, for that intimate sharing to happen. There doesn't have to be anything sexual in the bonding, although with most guys, the topic of sex will come up. For some reason that's usually one of our top 10 list of things we think about. grinI think it's a critical mental health issue that is greatly missing in American culture. Having a male friend, that you can bond with, and not have any sexual interest in each other. But be able to share your deepest fears and hopes and dreams, and discuss problems in your life, and help each other through touch times, where you can feel safe enough to be emotional. We feel that we are not manly if we openly cry, when we are hurting. Real men don't cry - bull shit. Real men, have the strength, to be able to cry, and not care what people think.Male bonding. We need more of it.
Well said...It would be so much easier for men to male bond if we did have to wear these labels. Male bonding can take on many forms...but in it's truest form it's selfless giving to form a common bond...a true spiritual love for each other...all men crave it but few are willing to give what it takes to achieve it.
Very simply a condition where males are able to relate to one another, be best friends and able to trust each other, as we males do have feelings as well. we are not meant to be hard on ourselves by nature. To be hard on ourselves, has been indoctrinated by society of days gone by and still of present days. Even the toughest guys out there will suffer at one stage or another an emotional breakdown, however they're not to show it as they're expected to suppress emotions, which counteracts bonding, unless having an understanding buddy to share feelings with.
Well for me it happened with a guy that was about 18 years older than me. He was 90 when it started, and his wife had been dead for about 8 years.. He was having trouble doing things for himself, and I started to help him with the things he was having trouble doing, inside and out along with a lot of talking about some problems I was having. and I started talking about other things and the subject came up about him having hygiene problems and he started telling me that he could notreally wash his self good, and he just really did not trust any one to help him. A few days later he kind of stumbled around about it and I knew what he was getting at so I told him I would be glad to help if I could. He readily agreed and he asked me to help him then. if I would. He went to his room and took off all his clothes, he had seemed always very prudish so I was really expecting him to come in in his boxer shorts, but to my surprise he was naked, I still hand on my boxers and he asked if I was going to wear them and said no as I slipped them off so we proceed, it lasted almost 30 minutes, he was uncut with a long skin and told me he need help to retract it and wash it so I agreed. I was in shock that he would have asked me to do this, as he had always came off as being very prudish. We talked very freely after that and told me that he did not know what he would have done if it had not been for me helping him in so many ways. He told me that I was the only one who would get in the shower with him and help, the rest helped him in and sit on the toilet seat and he just had to do the best he could in washing and did not feel clean like he did when I helped him. Our talks had helped me in many ways that I don't think he even realized. He died about six years later and believe me, I really miss him, and when the showers started he was a lot more open and I guess I was too. He is one that I will never forget.
Well for me it happened with a guy that was about 18 years older than me. He was 90 when it started, and his wife had been dead for about 8 years.. He was having trouble doing things for himself, and I started to help him with the things he was having trouble doing, inside and out along with a lot of talking about some problems I was having. and I started talking about other things and the subject came up about him having hygiene problems and he started telling me that he could notreally wash his self good, and he just really did not trust any one to help him. A few days later he kind of stumbled around about it and I knew what he was getting at so I told him I would be glad to help if I could. He readily agreed and he asked me to help him then. if I would. He went to his room and took off all his clothes, he had seemed always very prudish so I was really expecting him to come in in his boxer shorts, but to my surprise he was naked, I still hand on my boxers and he asked if I was going to wear them and said no as I slipped them off so we proceed, it lasted almost 30 minutes, he was uncut with a long skin and told me he need help to retract it and wash it so I agreed. I was in shock that he would have asked me to do this, as he had always came off as being very prudish. We talked very freely after that and told me that he did not know what he would have done if it had not been for me helping him in so many ways. He told me that I was the only one who would get in the shower with him and help, the rest helped him in and sit on the toilet seat and he just had to do the best he could in washing and did not feel clean like he did when I helped him. Our talks had helped me in many ways that I don't think he even realized. He died about six years later and believe me, I really miss him, and when the showers started he was a lot more open and I guess I was too. He is one that I will never forget.
Great story of male bonding across the generations and carrying into the decades! All the posts tell me that male bonding is alive and well. It is not only natural but deeply longed for in men. Let us claim the right to sit as brothers--side by side at the bar, in the shower retracting foreskin to assist with hygiene or enjoying each other's company in whatever form it takes!
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