I'm having a bad day... my ex just got hit by a bus, and I just lost my job as a bus driver.

• 4 years ago

Being an adult is debating whether to keep a cardboard box because you know it's a really good box.

OMG! I must be an adult.

• 4 years ago

My wife says I have only two faults... I don't listen and some other shit she was rattling on about.

• 4 years ago

I sleep better naked.... Why can't the flight attendant understand this?

• 4 years ago

My wife just phoned to tell me that three women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous. I said that's probably why.

• 4 years ago

Did you know if you text Boss... Go fuck yourself...you don't have to go to work anymore.

• 4 years ago

Did you know if you text Boss... Go fuck yourself...you don't have to go to work anymore.

It depends on who you text it to.

• 4 years ago

I am not an early bird or a night owl I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

• 4 years ago

If you eat an entire cake without cutting it....you technically only had one piece.

• 4 years ago

If you've ever found yourself in an argument about how you're not arguing..... you might be married.

• 4 years ago