A woman was changing clothes one morning while her husband sat on the bed watching TV. After removing all of her clothes she looked at herself in the full-length mirror. She said "I'm old, fat, ugly and wrinkled". Then she turned to her husband and asked "Don't you have anything nice you can say about me?". He looked at her a minute then said "Your eyesight is damn near perfect".

• 3 years ago

Along the same lines, Herb, Fred, and Nancy l all lived in a retirement community. Nancy really wanted to get Herb's attention so she decided to come to breakfast naked one morning. Fred said to Herb, "Can you see what Nancy is wearing this morning?" Herb replied, "Not too well, but it whatever it is, it sure needs ironing!"

• 3 years ago

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?Anybody have an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's making a whining sounds.Slap the bitch.

• 3 years ago

Another fine day ruined by responsibility...

• 3 years ago

You can't control everything..... your hair was put on your head to remind you of that.

• 3 years ago

I think I'm starting to lose my mind. But as long as I keep the part that tells me when I got to pee, I should be okay.

• 3 years ago

I think I'm starting to lose my mind. But as long as I keep the part that tells me when I got to pee, I should be okay.

Until it comes time to poop.

• 3 years ago

I wasn't planning on going for a run today.......but those cops came out of nowhere

• 3 years ago

I'm always forced to do shit I'm not qualified for..... Like being nice to fucking idiots.

• 3 years ago

Today I am not gonna be an asshole, I am gonna be nice.... Stop laughing, it could happen.

• 3 years ago