Things l have in common with a raccoon..dark circles around the eyes..eat junk..cute..a little chubby..l will fight you and possibly rabid.

• 2 years ago

I can understand the anger at me...but what could you possibly have against the horse l rode in on?

• 2 years ago

My wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning....now l can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

• 2 years ago

There's no need to drive me crazy, l'm close enough to walk.

• 2 years ago

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes.. spend 30 seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.

• 2 years ago

I went for a nice run yesterday...I didn't plan on it, but the ice cream truck didn't stop.

• 2 years ago

I've decided on my new career. I'm going to be a backward stripper. I come on stage naked and people pay me to put my clothes back on.

• 2 years ago

There is a play Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike in which Spike appears on stage in underwear and puts the rest of his clothes on with the types of body motions strippers use when taking them off.

• 2 years ago

I think some things are better left unsaid ....and l usually think that right after l say it.

• a year ago

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated..... She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

• a year ago