I'm a lot happier since I changed from coffee to orange juice, my doctor said it's the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it's the vodka.

• 4 years ago

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions

• 4 years ago

I don't know who needs to see this...but your laundry needs to be put in the dryer.

• 3 years ago

I can't even imagine the self-control required to work at a Bubble Wrap Factory

• 3 years ago

Just so you know, nothing accidentally goes in your butt...sincerely, The ER Staff.

• 3 years ago

Dear Ghosts, if you can move shit around and flicker the lights, then you can use a mop.

• 3 years ago

I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving Spirit...l've been giving people the Bird all week.

• 3 years ago

If you're kinky and you know it...clap your hands....oh they're tied...never mind.

• 3 years ago

There is always enough time to do something over, but never enough time to do it right the first time.

• 3 years ago

If someone from Zip Lock could contact literally anyone in the cereal business that would be great.

• 3 years ago