Senior Moments
As we get older, Senior jokes seem to hit closer to home. Does anyone else find it humorous that we, as Seniors. have funny moments? If so, please share with us!
I will start with:
Four 'Senior' women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose bud tattoo above one boob. One lady leaned over to another and said, "She doesn't know it yet, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims,"I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Fr O'Reilly was waiting one afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. An elderly man comes in, walks slowly down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.
The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.
The elderly man in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'.......... There's no paper in here either!"
An eldery man got up on his birthday, looking in the mirror and seeing all the wrinkles decides to have a face-lift for his birthday present. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. A few days later on his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 57," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 57."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 5 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Five minutes later, the old lady takes her hand out of his pants and says, "Okay, it's done. You are 57." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. " The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
The elderly man came home to find his wife naked wife sobbing in front of the bedroom mirror.
What's the matter, honey?, he asked.
Looking in the mirror just now, I saw myself as old, fat and ugly. I could really use a compliment, right now.
He thought for a moment, then replied, Well, your eyesight is damned near perfect.
The police report stated that he died as a result of justifiable homicide.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders aScotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her rightsays, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'Iwould like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you.
Bartender, I wantanother Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says,
'Ma'am,I'mdying of curiosity. Why the
Scotch with only two drops of water?'
Theold woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!..
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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