A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and
true to his word he made contact.
'Mary. Mary. Are you there?'
'Is that you, Fred?'
Yes. I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have
breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I
have sex, I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After supper golf course again. Then have
sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'Not exactly, I came back as a rabbit in Saskatchewan.'
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was REALLY angry. She told him,
'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!!'
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in
the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale!
Bob has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
choke in a pub in Newfoundland
Two newfies walk into a pub. While having
a shot of whiskey, they talk about their
moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,
who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
And, after a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the newfies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes
her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya
breathe?' The woman begins to turn
blue and shakes her head no.
The newfie walks over to the woman, lifts
up her dress, yanks down her drawers and
quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a
violent spasm and the obstruction flies
out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe
again, the Newfie walks slowly back to the
bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd herd
of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but
I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'
Some good slogans:
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**************************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
**************************
Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about.*
* I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.*
* A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'*
* He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'*
*'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'*
* Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?*
* 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!*
* 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'*
* 'No, I don't,' I said.*
* He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'*
* 'No,' I said. *
He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
A MAN BOARDED A PLANE WITH A BOX OF CRABS.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Of course this irritated the flight attendant and she told the passenger not to worry.
Shortly before landing in Atlanta she announced to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore please raise your hand.
Not one hand went up . so she took them home and ate them herself! I like stories with happy endings
Hehe...courtesy of 1cool1.
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker, (who's blonde), asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY',
And give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked ''What are you doing?''
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, ''You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.''
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her '...And where do you think you're going?''
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!'
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