Life in a nutshell
When I was married 50 years, I took a look at my wife
one day and said, "Honey, 50 years ago, we had a cheap
apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 22 year old brunette.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and
plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 70 year old
grandma. It seems to me that you are not holding up
your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
out and find a hot 22 year old brunette, and she would
make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap
apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to
solve your mid-life crisis...
Vaseline Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.
.
.
.
Wait for it...
.
.
.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT?)
The Reverend John Fluff
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish up."
Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of beers. The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, "Lord
tundering... up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna
getbusted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!"
Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish dese
beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow
the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?"
"Jist let me do de talkin', OK?"
So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put
a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock,
the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, "You
boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Archie, pointing at the labels. "We're on de patch."
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for
your day...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER ..
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single
bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nordic Track:
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1 ,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything..
Two kids wer in the doctor's office waiting room. The first kid was crying and the other kid said, "What's wrong?"
"I'm going for a blood test and that means they're going to cut my finger," the first kid said.
The other kid started crying as soon as he heard that and the first kid said, "What's wrong with you?"
"I'm going for a urine test!" the second kid said.
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply
mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
"Send extra sauce."
And another one from 1cool1. lol...keep 'em coming mate!
One of the presidential candidates was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the candidate if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, the candidate asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said the candidate, "that would be an accident."
A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," the candidate said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The candidate searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If your campaign plane, carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."
"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the candidate.
"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as heck wouldn't be a Great Loss..."
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.'
'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
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