Mixed Emotions after Rape

My father introduced me to nudism when I was six years old. I enjoyed it right from the start, and we were very, very closeperhaps closer than a father and son should be.
Two years later, my father died suddenly, leaving me without a mentor for nudism. Another two years after that, I noticed that a neighbor was also a nudist; he used to do his gardening completely naked.
One day, he invited me over. He told me I could take my clothes off, too. He lured me into his house to offer me a drink, then led me further down into the basement, where he raped me. It lasted about an hour and a half. Afterward, we went back up to his garden and had a drink. About a week later, I saw him naked in the garden again; despite my fear, I felt drawn to him. We had a drink again, and he raped me once more.
Afterwards, I was shocked to find that I had enjoyed it. Sometimes he would approach me in front of my house and suggest I come over again. I would be raped for another one or two hours. Sometimes he suggested going for a walk in the woods, and I would be raped there, too. It was extreme; after all, I was only ten years old. This went on for two yearsalmost every week. Then we moved away, and it stopped. To this day, I am completely confused by the fact that I felt such a pleasant sensation after his rapes, even though I hadn't actually wanted it to happen.
For a long time afterward, I would feel a mix of fear and curiosity whenever I saw a heavily built, hairy adult man. To this day, I still don't know how to deal with those mixed feelings from back thenfear and curiosity.

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