Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
One afternoon, a couple who have been married for 15 yrs are working in their garden together. As the wife bent over to pull some weeds, the husband says, "Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is as big as the gas grill." The husband picks up a yardstick to prove his point. First, he measures the grill, then he measures his wife's butt. "Yeah", he says, "just about the same size."
That evening as they went to bed, the husband cuddles up to his wife saying, "How about a little lovemaking?" The wife turns over, with her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asks. She answers sarcastically, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.
"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal
to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.
Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there will
be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
Young Wife
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling, I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?"
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, you should've checked the brakes, your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
The New Barmaid
A Pub Landlord advertises for a new barmaid and is delighted to receive applications from three equally suitable candidates for the job.
He calls them all in to see him and at the end of each interview he asks each one the same single question.
If you were cleaning the bar once it was closed for the night and found a ten pound note on the floor, what would you do with it?
The first candidate replied I would place the money in the till. You have been kind enough to give me a job and I am happy with my wage. The money is yours.
The second candidate replied I would place the money in the till and take five pounds out for myself. That way we are splitting the money, and thats only fair.
The third candidate replied I would keep the money. Its a perk of doing the most menial task and, as such, it is my right to keep any money I find.
Which one got the job?
The one with the biggest tits.
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