A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife."They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies."Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket."What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband."It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
An married couple was cleaning out their closet after their 50th wedding anniversary.
After clearing out most of the junk, they found a shoe box with $10,000 and a coconut in it.
"Whats this?" the wife asked.
The husband replied, "Every time I cheated on you, I put a coconut in a shoe box."
"Well", said the wife. " I guess one coconut in 35 years isn't that bad. What's the money for?"
The husband admitted, "Everytime the box got full, I sold the coconuts."
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt, I saw $45 in makeup.I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!
"She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I answered,"Let's see 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 then you, 8,9,"
and then she shot you in the arm, walked up to you and whispered something in your ear( i slept with your brother and cousins ) about the men she has slept with and walked out the door.
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