A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.
The Taliban shouted, Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
OK, said the old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said,
Your brother wont let me in without a tie!
An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?
The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and said,
"Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft's business. The day of the event, the Gates' estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.
"Gentlemen," Gates starts, "please follow me." He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.
Gates says, "Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings."
Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting."
"Bravo!" shouts Gates. "You have proven to me how much you want my business."
"Actually, I want just one thing." Carl gasps.
"What's that?"
"The name of the bastard that pushed me in."
Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.
One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for K37. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to Bernie and Eddie's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Eddie could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season' . Don't ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at the train station as drunk as skunks, just as the train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get the Englishman and the Scotsman on board in the nick of time. Then he turned to the Irishman and said:
"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have time to get you on as well, but there's another train leaving in an hour. You can get that one." "Sound enough," said the Irishman, "but I don't think the two boys'll be pleased. They only came to see me off."
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful
Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or
so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
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