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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

The guys down at the barber shop asked me what Hollywood bombshell actress I'd like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I thought for a minute and said, "Any one of 'em that knows how to fix elevators, I suppose."

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

I don't have nightmares, I create them.

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

I don't have ulcers, I cause them.

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
Having to say, "Great shot Honey!" 142 times.

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

A man is intensively washing his jeans, mumbling to himself:
"You cannot trust anyone these days!
Not a single person!
Even yourself... I was only trying to fart."

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

I went to the shops the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when
I came out there was a traffic warden writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said ' Come on mate, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a piece of horse dung.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.......

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RE: Random thoughts and jokes

A man clutching a smartphone goes to a doctor's office and waits nervously until his name is called.
Once he's in the examining room, he tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you..."

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