A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham
sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you
don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the
duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What
are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the
duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to
learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper
from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,
bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says
to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender
says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job,
paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is
it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in
CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they
want with a
plasterer???"
Several friends were chatting over dinner in a restaurant.
A man at the next table told his mobile phone caller to hold on.
Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, One the group said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said. "You were making too much
noise."
It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett
woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the
Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along
the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim
Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of
the wall. These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans
moving steadily toward them.With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie
and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary
school.
He talked to the children about his tribe and
its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact:
"There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a
nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the
man answered, "is when we use your language."
Bill and Jack went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.
As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat.
Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Jack. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.
Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
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