A jealous husband hired a private detective to
check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a
written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it.
Although the
qualitywas less than professional, the man saw his
wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw
them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in
a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a
dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this!" the distraught husband
said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right
up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I mean I just can't believe that
my wife could be so much fun!"
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite
mistress would soon die.
Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.
The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought
about the woman's death.
He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Prophecy, tell me
when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no
matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he
answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die
three days later."
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass
kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most
people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible or worse bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe
real gode.
Rainy Day Reminiscing.
One evening a beautiful young woman appeared in my life.
For three dates we dined, danced, drank and talked.
On the fourth date as I walked her to her door, she suggested a
night cap .....
The next morning I jokingly said, "I was so sure that you
would say yes, I brought a toothbrush with me".
She smiled that beautiful smile, nodded toward the bathroom and
said, "Yours is the blue one".
Rainy Day Reminiscing About Books And Past
Love Affairs.
One evening an exciting book appeared in my life. A book with a
young fresh plot I soon fell in love with.
I
enjoyed every chapter not knowing and not caring how the book would
end.
Unexpectedly I lost the book that I loved so much.
I never tried to
find a replacement copy.I knew there never could be a
sequel.
A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women. Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes
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