My Ex was going away for a few days and left me a list of chores. For fun, she put down as Item 5: "Think about your wife a lot." After she returned, I reported that I had completed every job.
When she looked over the list, she noticed, each item EXCEPT No. 5 had been crossed off.
"What's this?" She yelled. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"
Thinking fast I replied cheerfully, "I started to, but just never finished."

• 12 years ago

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

• 12 years ago

I told my ex that she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

• 12 years ago

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

• 12 years ago

If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue.
If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake.
Where does the glue go?

• 12 years ago

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

• 12 years ago

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"

• 12 years ago

Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot them?

• 12 years ago

Some days I just don't have enough middle fingers for those that deserve it.

• 12 years ago

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• 12 years ago