Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?"
The barman says "Sorry, we're a bar, we don't sell bread". So the duck leaves.
Five minutes later the duck returns and says "Got any bread?"
The barman says "We're a bar, not a baker. We don't sell bread". So the duck leaves.
Five minutes later the duck returns and says "Got any bread?"
Now irate the barman says "WE'RE A BAR, we don't sell bread". So the duck leaves.
Five minutes later the duck returns and says "Got any bread?"
Barman:
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE A BAR! NUTS? YES! CRISPS? YES! BEER? YES!!!!".
The barmen now red in the face, heart pumping, leans over the bar and
says "If you dare ask me again I'll nail your bill to the counter!!!" So
the duck leaves.
Five minutes later the duck returns and says "Got any nails?"
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE A BAR! Not an ironmonger!".
So the duck says "Got any bread?"
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, Hey Seor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona.
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King of Beers, a Budweiser.
The bartender gives him one.??The guy from Coors says, Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors. He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, Give me a Coke. The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, Why arent you drinking a Molsons?
The Molson president replies, Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I.
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