Grandpa's life lesson
Grandpa and his very young grandson were walking in the park when they happened upon 2 dogs breeding.
The grandson asks his grandpa what the two dogs are doing
Grandpa, quick to think on his feet, tells his grandson the the dog on top has sore front legs, and the one on the bottom is helping him home.
The grandson says "you know, those to dogs are a great reflection of society and how life is."
Grandpa looks at his grandson curiously and asks what he means by that.
The Grandson simply replies, " you try to help someone out and they do you from behind.
Two young men were sitting down for a break in their new soon-to-be new store in the Shopping Mall.
As yet, the store was not ready with only a few sheves and display racks set up.
One says to the other, "I'll bet any minute, some old Senior citizenis gonna walk by and ask what we are selling."
Sure enouh, a few minutes later, a curious Senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes!"
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well, only two left!"
Two young men were sitting down for a break in their new soon-to-be new store in the Shopping Mall. As yet, the store was not ready with only a few sheves and display racks set up. One says to the other, "I'll bet any minute, some old Senior citizenis gonna walk by and ask what we are selling." Sure enouh, a few minutes later, a curious Senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes!" Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well, only two left!"
This is a good one.
Thanks to all who liked this one! It is probably an answer I would have come up with myself!
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend..'
Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal? Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, Gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?' And she said:.. 'Wear sun-block.'
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