Bill Clintons book went on sale today at long last.Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton.When asked if she minded the rain,one woman said, Im meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.
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At a fancy dress party a friend asked, Why have you come as a ghost but your wifes dressed as a panda? I replied, No weve both come as ghosts but I gave her two black eyes for copying me.
At a fancy dress party a friend asked, "Why have you come as a ghost, but your wife's dressed as a panda?"I replied, "Nowe'veboth come as ghosts but I gave her two black eyes for copying me."
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A Panda Bear walks into a cafe and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out.Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. "Wait a minute!" he yells, "You just killed my best waiter!" "Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, "Hey man! I'm a PANDA!" "Do you know what that means?" "Why don't you look it up!"
At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary.
He reads: "Panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bearsand characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
A Panda Bear walks into a cafe and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out.Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. "Wait a minute!" he yells, "You just killed my best waiter!" "Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, "Hey man! I'm a PANDA!" "Do you know what that means?" "Why don't you look it up!"
At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary.
He reads: "Panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bearsand characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
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I had a rough day at MI5 today. I was given a mission to protect one of our operatives, so when I first saw them at our rendez-vous point in a cafe and noticed the red dot on their head, I hurriedly tackled them to the floor before a shot could be fired from the sniper rifle.
That was when I found out she was Hindu.
I had a rough day at MI5 today. I was given a mission to protect one of our operatives,
so when I first saw them at our rendez-vous point in a cafe and noticed the red dot on their head, I hurriedly tackled them to the floor before a shot could be fired from the sniper rifle.That was when I found out she was Hindu.
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A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
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"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?""No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table,slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy,but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table,slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy,but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
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Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd
eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they
decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and
delicious as he said. But much to their disappointment, the
waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.
"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant
yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when
I've organized a party, you serve such a small one."
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting
by the window."
Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd
eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So theydecided to go down there and see if it was really as large anddelicious as he said. But much to their disappointment, thewaiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen. "See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurantyesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, whenI've organized a party, you serve such a small one." "Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sittingby the window."
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A waiter brings Benny the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat."Are you crazy?" yelled Benny, "with your hand on my steak?""What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
A waiter brings Benny the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat."Are you crazy?" yelled Benny, "with your hand on my steak?""What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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A truck driver stopped for a meal at and was just served when a huge caravan of Hells Angels roared in. As the gang entered the restraunt, everyone but the truck driver quickly paid thier bills and left. The truck driver quietly sat there eating his steak.
The leader of the Hells Angels marched in and sat by the trucker at the bar, reached over and took his plate and began to eat the steak. Still unruffled, the trucker sat there quietly and drank his coffee. This infuriated the gang leader who grabbed the coffee and poured it on the trucker's head. Calmly the trucker wiped his head and walked to the cashier. Amid jears and insults from the gang the trucker paid his bill and left.
When the waitress came to take their order, the gang leader remarked, "Boy, that guy wasn't much of a man was he. I stole his steak, called his mother a bitch, and even poured coffee on his head. And the whimp, he just walked away."
The waitress replied, "Yea, I guess your right. You really scared him. He must have run over about forty motorcycles trying to get out of the parking lot, but he just kept on going."
A truck driver stopped for a meal at and was just served when a huge caravan of Hells Angels roared in. As the gang entered the restaurant, everyone but the truck driver quickly paidtheirbills and left. The truck driver quietly sat there eating his steak.The leader of the Hells Angels marched in and sat by the trucker at the bar, reached over and took his plate and began to eat the steak. Still unruffled, the trucker sat there quietly and drank his coffee. This infuriated the gang leader who grabbed the coffee and poured it on the trucker's head. Calmly the trucker wiped his head and walked to the cashier. Amid jears and insults from the gang the trucker paid his bill and left.When the waitress came to take their order, the gang leader remarked, "Boy, that guy wasn't much of a man was he. I stole his steak, called his mother a bitch, and even poured coffee on his head. And the whimp, he just walked away."The waitress replied, "Yea, I guess your right. You really scared him. He must have run over aboutforty motorcycles trying to get out of the parking lot, but he just kept on going."
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Benny goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks him what he'd like. Benny says, "I'd like a quickie".The waitress blushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?" Benny says, "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily. Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to Benny, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'"
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