Issy is a very wealthy man and for his mother's birthday he goes to a Sothebys sale and buys her a very expensive painting. When he gets back home, he can't wait to phone to tell her what he's bought for her. "Hi, mum, its me, Issy, your number one son."
"Oh (pause) is everything all right, sweetheart?" she asks.
"Yes, mum," replies Issy, "everything is fine. I'm ringing to tell you that for your birthday, I've just bought you a Rubens."
"Rubin?" she says, "Do you mean Rubin the accountant?"
"No, mum, Rubens is a great painter," explains Issy, laughing.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she says. "Listen, sweetheart, ask him how much he'll charge to paint my kitchen."
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Issy passes by a pet shop and sees a parrot that costs $500. He asks why it costs so much and the salesman tells him the parrot speaks five languages. "Five languages!" exclaims Issy. "Does it speak Yiddish?" "Sure," says the salesman.
Issy is a very wealthy man and for his mother's birthday he decides to send her the parrot, she lives all alone it'll keep her company.
He pays the $500, has the store deliver the parrot to his mother, the next day he calls her up. "Mom, how did you like the parrot I bought you?" "Mmm, delicious!" she says. "What do you mean delicious?" "I made soup out of it, it came out great!" "But mom, this parrot spoke five languages!" "Five languages??? So why didn't he say anything?"
Issy passes by a pet shop and sees a parrot that costs $500. He asks why it costs so much and the salesman tells him the parrot speaks five languages. "Five languages!" exclaims Issy. "Does it speak Yiddish?" "Sure," says the salesman.
Issy is a very wealthy man and for his mother's birthday he decides to send her the parrot, she lives all alone it'll keep her company.
He pays the $500, has the store deliver the parrot to his mother, the next day he calls her up. "Mom, how did you like the parrot I bought you?" "Mmm, delicious!" she says. "What do you mean delicious?" "I made soup out of it, it came out great!" "But mom, this parrot spoke five languages!" "Five languages??? So why didn't he say anything?"
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A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a salesman job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a salesman job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
-----------------------------------------
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of Tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of Tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."
=============================
A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife."The salesgirl looked at him and said, "Our science fiction section is right upstairs."
A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife."The salesgirl looked at him and said, "Our science fiction section is right upstairs."
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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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A wealthy honey packer died and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter interviewed him at the door. 'Can't let you in,' said the Saint, 'because you have lied and cheated.' The honey packer protested and said that he never finished school, and wasn't too good at math, but he never cheated anyone and never lied. He simply bought honey, packaged it, and resold it at a 5 per cent profit. Over the years, this made him rich.
But St. Peter disagreed. 'No, you are lying again,' said Peter, 'You must have charged more for the honey, you can't get rich on five per cent.'
Again the honey packer protested. No, No, he said, I am not that good at math, but I only raised the price five per cent. I would buy honey for a dollar and sell it for five dollars, making five per cent every time!
A wealthy honey packer died and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter interviewed him at the door. 'Can't let you in,' said the Saint, 'because you have lied and cheated.' The honey packer protested and said that he never finished school, and wasn't too good at math, but he never cheated anyone and never lied. He simply bought honey, packaged it, and resold it at a 5 per cent profit. Over the years, this made him rich.
But St. Peter disagreed. 'No, you are lying again,' said Peter, 'You must have charged more for the honey, you can't get rich on five per cent.'
Again the honey packer protested. No, No, he said, I am not that good at math,
but I only raised the price five per cent.
I would buy honey for a dollar and sell it for five dollars, making five per cent every time!
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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
==============================
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings."Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?""They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?""They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing
under the awnings. Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says,
"Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie,
answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks,
"Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have? They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I dont want to offend you.
She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When youre as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun go down on me.
She thinks a bit and then responds, Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and Im Catholic too!
The nun says, OK, pull into the next alley.
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?
Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, Im married and Im Jewish.
The nun says, Thats OK, my name is Kevin and Im on my way to a Halloween party.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I dont want to offend you.
She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When youre as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun go down on me.
She thinks a bit and then responds, Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and Im Catholic too!
The nun says, OK, pull into the next alley.
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?
Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, Im married and Im Jewish.
The nun says, Thats OK, my name is Kevin and Im on my way to a Halloween party.
==================================
A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, "ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter."
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