A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, "ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter."
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Q: What time does Lebron James go to sleep?
A: A quarter after 3
Q: What time does Lebron James go to sleep?
A: A quarter after 3
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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,"You know, its the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer".
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,"You know, its the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer".
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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A man walks into a building site's foreman's office. He says "The sign outside says you need a handyman."
"That's right," says the foreman. "Can you lay bricks?"
"No, I can't do that."
"Can you mix concrete?"
"No, never done that."
"Know any plumbing?"
"Not really."
"Are you an electrician?"
"No."
"Well," says the puzzled foreman. "You can't do much, so what makes you so damned handy then?"
"I only live around the corner."
A man walks into a building site's foreman's office. He says "The sign outside says you need a handyman."
"That's right," says the foreman. "Can you lay bricks?"
"No, I can't do that."
"Can you mix concrete?"
"No, never done that."
"Know any plumbing?"
"Not really."
"Are you an electrician?"
"No."
"Well," says the puzzled foreman. "You can't do much, so what makes you so damned handy then?"
"I only live around the corner."
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A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade.
The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie."
"Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter.
"Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and
you spell it: E E- L -K E- L- E-K."
Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why dont you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, well have Peter come up and tell us about his father."
Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-OO-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 7 to 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."
A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade.
The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie."
"Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter.
"Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and
you spell it: E E- L -K E- L- E-K."
Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why dont you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, well have Peter come up and tell us about his father."
Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-OO-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 7 to 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."
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Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
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A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse, quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?" He tells her. She looks at him and decides he's just tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just the thing for you!" He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative and says, "That'll be $150 for this visit."
The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $50 cure!"
A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse, quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?" He tells her. She looks at him and decides he's just tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just the thing for you!" He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative and says, "That'll be $150 for this visit."
The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $50 cure!"
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"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective at the crime scene asked the secretary.
"I don't know." she sobbed. "My boss was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say to that?" asked the detective.
The secretary replied, "I just said, that the other men in the office always just gave me fifty dollars."
"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective at the crime scene asked the secretary.
"I don't know." she sobbed. "My boss was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say to that?" asked the detective.
The secretary replied, "I just said, that the other men in the office always just gave me fifty dollars."
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Three blondes go for a job as a detective, the sergeant gives them a test of their powers of observation. He holds up a photo of a man and asks the first one..
Sgt. - If you were asked to find this man what would you say would help from this photo?
Blonde #1 - He should be easy to find, he's only got one ear.
Sgt. - No, he's got two ears, it's a profile photo.
Sgt. - What do you notice about him blonde #2
Blonde #2 - He's only got one eye.
Sgt. - No,no, it's a profile photo.
Sgt. - Now blonde #3, what would suggest we look for seeing as it's a profile photo and we can't see his other eye?
She thinks a bit and says "he wears contact lenses"
Well, the Sgt. doesn't know about that so he checks the records and sure enough he does wear contacts. He asks blonde #3 how she knew and she says...
Well, with only one eye and one ear he couldn't wear normal specs.
Three blondes go for a job as a detective, the sergeant gives them a test of their powers of observation. He holds up a photo of a man and asks the first one..
Sgt. - If you were asked to find this man what would you say would help from this photo?
Blonde #1 - He should be easy to find, he's only got one ear.
Sgt. - No, he's got two ears, it's a profile photo.
Sgt. - What do you notice about him blonde #2
Blonde #2 - He's only got one eye.
Sgt. - No,no, it's a profile photo.
Sgt. - Now blonde #3, what would suggest we look for seeing as it's a profile photo and we can't see his other eye?
She thinks a bit and says "he wears contact lenses"
Well, the Sgt. doesn't know about that so he checks the records and sure enough he does wear contacts. He asks blonde #3 how she knew and she says...
Well, with only one eye and one ear he couldn't wear normal specs.
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A sergeant got into the mood for bullying some rookies. He spotted a private and said:
- Soldier, run into these bushes and see if I'm there! On the double!!!
The private ran as fast as he could, disappeared in the bushes for a moment then quickly returned to the sergeant, wheezing. The sergeant goes for round 2 with the push around:
- Did you find me?
- Yes, sir. - the private replied - You were hiding behind a tree, using toilet paper as camouflage.
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