A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion!"
----------------------------------------------
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
===================================
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.
Ill take the lawyers heart, said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
It was easy, the patient replied. I wanted a heart that hadnt been used.
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddie: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
-----------------------
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually."
==============================
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other ear?"
"They called back."
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other ear?"
"They called back."
------------------------------------
A man went to see the doctor.
Man: "Doc, do you think I can live for another fifty years?"
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you visit whores?"
Man: "Certainly not!"
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live another fifty years?"
A man went to see the doctor.
Man: "Doc, do you think I can live for another fifty years?"
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you visit whores?"
Man: "Certainly not!"
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live another fifty years?"
=========================================
Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you drink water with that?
Q. What do you call an elephant that flies?
A. A jumbo jet.
=========================================
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and bang her all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a crap first.
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and bang her all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a crap first.
-------------------------------------
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
===================================
A husband was engrossed in a magazine while his wife was reading the newspaper. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Get this," she said. "Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmmmm," her husband mumbled, still engrossed in his magazine.
Wanting to test him, she asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not!" he said.
"That's so sweet," she replied. "Tell me why not."
"Heck, the season's more than half over!" he said.
Actions
Back to TopicsReply to TopicShare this topic
Get paid just by sending us users/traffic.
Signup takes seconds, start now!
Signup as an affiliate!