Husband and Wife Jokes
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like.
It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"
And my mom said, "He does."
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The
deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her
entire married life to fussing at her poor husband.
When the graveside service had no more than terminated,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by
a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."
A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"
The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"
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