A Husband said to his wife One day "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time"
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain, God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Ted was going bald there was no two ways about it. Trying to cheer him up his wife Barbara bought him a toupee.
Barbara was very excited to show off her new husband, so she was thrilled when one of their friends invited them to a party at their house.
It was later that night after the party that Barbara found Ted lounging around on the couch looking depressed.
Whats wrong Honey? said Barbara sitting down on the couch next to him.
I didnt enjoy the party at all, complained Ted I was so self conscious I felt like everyone was able to tell I was wearing a toupee.
Oh Sweety said Barbara patting Teds knee, Im sure nobody was able to tell!
In fact all of the people at the party that I told, were all surprised!
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is At home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home. Admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and He is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, "Take a sweater!
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her.
One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid... Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
Maid: What will I have to do?
Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.
The maid puts the phone down.
The wife hears footsteps and the gunshots, then more footsteps.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
Maid: But there's no pool here.
(A long pause)
Wife: Is this 555-832-4821?
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.
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