jokes
Visit to the doctor.
Went to the doctor this week
She said to me:
work out at 2 hours a day.
Do not eat pork
Do not eat red meat
Do not use pepper and salt
Dont eat acid fruits
No bread no pasta and no potato.
Stop drinking tea
Stop drinking coffee
Stop smoking
Stop drinking
So I stopped going to the doctors.
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A guy goes to the doctor in usa.
hey doc , I have this thing on my thingy
Hmm the doctor looks at it and says: well , I am sorry to say , we have to cut half of it off .
The guy says: are you crazy??? Forget it , I want a second opinion.
Well , the guy goes and look around and hear on about a really good doctor in Venezuela.
He decides to go.
He gets to he doctor and shows him and then asks doctor , the other doctor says we have to cut half off.
The doctor looks , scratch his had and says:
Nahhh , what an idiot , give it a month and it will all fall off by itself
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A guy goes to the doctor with a huge frog on his had.
Sits down and doesnt speak.
The doctor waits a few minutes and then looks at the frog and asks:
Did you know you have grown human on your ass?
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea lectim...And pronounced "gonna re-elect 'em.."
Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease has become since it is easily cured...by voting out all incumbents!
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?" The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Lafayette to me!"
The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged. "How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!."
The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"
The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana.. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin' but August in Jennings !"
So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.' He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas.
Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?!"
The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?" The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Lafayette to me!" The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged. "How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!." The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?" The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana.. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin' but August in Jennings !" So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.' He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas. Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?!" The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"
Looks likeit did come true LOL
D ear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning &mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth - But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods!
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day
and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her.
He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets.
A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady,
"It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
"Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"
John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.
Bill says, "Hey John, what's wrong?"
John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only.
But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German,
an Indian, several Americans, a New Englander, a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian,
an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole,
a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese,
a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian,
an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese,
a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander,
a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban,
an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian,
a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani,
a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede,
a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and
47-53 miscellaneous Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," said the snooty matre d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
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