Farm and Country Jokes
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and
Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent
an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the
agent.
'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here
for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's
the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the
work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I
buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A ventriloquist from NY is on a road trip south. As he gets to Virginia he passes a farm and decides to stop since he had never had the pleasure of actually visiting a farm before. He pulls up the driveway and knocks on the door. The farmer readily agrees to show the NY ventriloquist around the farm quite proud of his domain.
As the farmer takes him to the cow milking area, a farm hand is milking a cow. The ventriloquist decides to screw with the hand and made the cow talk to him. The farm hand freaks out and takes off running.
As the tour passes the hog pen, the ventriloquist notices the same farm hand slopping the hogs and looking nervously back towards the milking station. To further his charade, the ventriloquist makes the hogs start talking. Once again the farm hand takes off running.
As the tour hits the chicken coop, lo and behold there is the same farm hand feeding the chickens and looking around nervously. The ventriloquist makes the chickens talk and that was the straw that broke the camel's back for the farm hand. He runs up to the farmer and shouts "Farmer Brown, Farmer Brown, the animals, their all talking! The cows, the pigs, the chickens!". Farmer Brown looks up at the farm hand with a very concerned look on his face and says "if the sheep say anything it is a God-damned lie!".
Sally was in the Fox and Hounds at Newbridge last Saturday
night, when this really ugly looking guy walked into the
bar.
She told me later: "The wierdo came over to the bar and
pinched my bum.
Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me
your number, sexy.'
"I replied, "Have you got a pen?"
He smiled and said, "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better
get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
A farmer sat down at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find * No Trespassing * signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, " Sir, I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here.
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, " I'll make you a deal. We've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property.
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. " That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property, he tells him. " I'm going to shoot his cow!
He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, " I got the cat and dog too! Let's get the hell out of here!
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find * No Trespassing * signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, " Sir, I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here.The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, " I'll make you a deal. We've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property.Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. " That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property, he tells him. " I'm going to shoot his cow!He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, " I got the cat and dog too! Let's get the hell out of here!
Hehe,, ROFL. One of the best.
To keep her warm, a motorcyclist puts his leather jacket on his girlfriend backwards, so that the collar would cover her face. After they hit a patch of ice, there was a tragic accident. First on the scene was a farmer and his son. Soon a policeman arrives and questions the farmer.
"Well, sir, the poor guy down there in the ditch was apparently killed outright. The girl was in pretty good shape till Junior turned her head around."
There were two farmers, neither one had much common sense.
They were told by their boss to put the mule in the
barn.
When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the
mule's ears were to long and he would not fit into the barn.
So they put their heads together and decided to get a
ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule
could walk right on in the barn.
They began their job and the boss walked over to them and asked
them why they were sawing out the top of the barn.
When they told him the mule's ears were too long to go into
the barn,
the boss said:" Why don't you
just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then
the mule could walk on in "
The two half smarts looked at each other and said " We told you
his ears are too long, not his feet !"
New bull at farm
Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one
day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.
The
first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in
for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he
can take any of my 500 cows."
The second bull chimes in, "I know
that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."
The third bull,
the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a
year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned
my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"
About this time, a
large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to
unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel
ramp is bending with every step he takes.
The youngest bull begins
huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot.
The
oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a
few cows and live to tell about it."
The youngest bull replies
"Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows
I'm a bull!"
Ten Technical Terms About Computers And What They Mean To
Farmers
- Log on: when you want to make the homestead warmer.
- Log off: Timberrrrrrrrrrrr.
- Mega Hertz: when you not careful getting the
firewood. - Lap top: where the cat sleeps.
- Hard drive: manoeuvring thought those rocky fields on the
northern range when there is snow in the ground. - Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside.
- Byte: what mosquitoes do.
- Modem: what I did to the hay fields.
- Keyboard: where the keys hang.
- Mouse: critters that eat the grain in the barn.
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